Jace "snow" Shikami

View previous topic View next topic Go down

Jace "snow" Shikami

Post  Jace on Wed Feb 19, 2014 2:29 am

Name:Jace "snow" Shikami

Age:15

Godly Parent:Chione

Mortal family: Karl Shikami(Father) Karahito Shikami(step mother)

Years in camp:no years

Brief History:Jace is be a normal kid, born in North Dakota he has always be a great snowboarder, haveing a talent for it. He would train in snow boarding since he was 8.At age 10 his step mother would be sent to the hospital and would be diagnosed with cancer. Around the age of 14 his mother would go into critical care, being put into the hospital for the rest of her life. After that Jace would drop fm school, for his worrying about his mother made his grades drop. After a few months he believes he was starting to see things. At first it was just tall people with big chunks of pork. Later after awhile he would see what seemed to be one eyed men, giant blue people and such. He will say this to his father, who was busy for most of his life, trying to earn enough for the family. His father will say on the phone, that he knew this would happen. He would tell him to come home. When he reached home there was a van and a man was standing there, who was wearing a black suit. This man was a friend of his father. His father then said to go into the van and this guy will take him to a camp over in Manhattan. He would be hesitant, not wanting to leave his family, and was confused about what was happening. He didn't want to be kicked out of his family, which he felt like was happening. As he reached the camp, in moments, he was told to head to the Hermes cabin, which he didn't know where it was. A kid told him he would be claimed in a matter of days. The next day his birthday would hit, and he would be told he would be claimed today, but wasn't.

Physical appearance: a tall white haired boy, thin for his age, but fast on his feet. He has low muscle tone and has silver eyes. He wears a white tee, and black pants. He has long hair, going down to his shoulder.

Personality: Jace is a distant, awkward boy, who has difficulty making friends. He prefers not to make friends, from a fear of losing them. He has a history friends leaving him, thinking he a just trying to get attention. He would eventually make people as distant from him as possible. As he grew older from the age of 10 when he started like this.p, he has grown out of being distant, and will make friends, it's just difficult for him. After he makes a friend he become more open and shows his cheerfulness. He only had one close friend who moved to Italy when he was 12. The girl was only able to make Jace laugh, which made her a great friend in Jace's mind.

Fatal Flaw: Jace's fatal flaw is his feelings of distrust. He dosnt trust most people, and dosn't listen to what his close friends say. The reason why is that he thinks that everyone is going to betray him. He feels more comfortable alone, and concentrates more when he alone.

Talents: Snowboarding and track, Jace can make snow out of mist. Jace can create a blizzard if needed.(he doesn't know how to use his abilities)

Weapons:A Celestial bronze sword, which collapses into a mechanical pencil.

Other:none


Last edited by Revgodless on Mon Feb 24, 2014 11:55 pm; edited 15 times in total
avatar
Jace

Posts : 147
Drachmae : 399
Join date : 2014-02-19
Age : 17

Character sheet
Olympian Parent: Chione
Items :

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Jace "snow" Shikami

Post  GeneralArin on Wed Feb 19, 2014 3:02 am

Ok, when you say "Control snow", what do you mean? Do you mean Frozen-esque making snowmen and castles via telekinesis? Because that's definitely a no-go. You aren't Elsa.

I don't know what being a "frost kid" means. Please clarify.

Your brief bio is a bit too brief. It doesn't tell me anything about your character's life before demigod-dom, which is just about everything at this point. Tell me a bit about your family and home-life, hobbies, and whatever else.

(Personally, I think you're overdoing the white-snow theme, but it's your call.)


Your fatal flaw isn't very... Fatal. Sure, that's a natural consequence, but how could this doom your character? (You should also tie this closer to your personality more.)

Your personality only tells me Distant, quiet, Cold... and somehow cheery. How can you be cold and cheery at the same time? Maybe optimistic would be better? Anyway, tell me a bit more about how your character deals with problems. Is he easy-going, or does he get stressed easily? Does he stick with things long, or just drops things? Things like that.

And finally: How can you be good at sword-fighting if you've never been to camp? Or trained in swordsmanship? Or gotten into a fight before? Please remove or justify.

_________________
"Oh.. you're one of *those* guys. You don't care if someone beats the crap out of *you*, but if someone threatens to lay a finger on a family member you totally freak out."

Characters:
Jake Arin: Hephestus: CHB
Marcus Rayne: Zeus: Titan Army

Obligatory Signature Images:



NPCs
Ty... hellhound.
Agamemnon: Giant robotic transformer dragon of awesome

I'm one of those big, bad Admin dudes. Fear me. Or you know, pm me with important junk.
avatar
GeneralArin
RP Supervisor/SoldierA

Posts : 2791
Drachmae : 6263
Join date : 2009-05-29
Age : 22
Location : In my own little world....it's okay: they know me there.

Character sheet
Olympian Parent: Hephaestus
Items :

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Jace "snow" Shikami

Post  GeneralArin on Wed Feb 19, 2014 3:45 am

Saying you had some vague training is not justifying it.
You need to tell me what and why. Normal kids in the modern age don't learn any sort of swordplay. Fencing is an extremely rare club. And even then, it doesn't prepare you for broadsword fighting. Akido also uses some varieties of swords. However, both sports take long hours of practice and discipline before you get good at using a sword. Especially Akido.

"He try's to be lonely to hide him from everyone, for he feels alone and feels like a outcast, being a loner in a camp based around team work."<---Please tell me what this means. It doesn't make any sense to me. At all.


You still haven't corrected what "Frost boy" means. I am from Florida. This is not a familiar phrase for me. You need to reword it.


In your personality, you said he's a distant loner several times. I can understand if that's all you know about your character, and I'm willing to help over pm or something about making a deeper personality, but right now your character is two-dimensional.


Please reword some of these things, because then it's easier for me to see the changes and understand what's going on. If there's something specific you're having trouble with, PM me.

_________________
"Oh.. you're one of *those* guys. You don't care if someone beats the crap out of *you*, but if someone threatens to lay a finger on a family member you totally freak out."

Characters:
Jake Arin: Hephestus: CHB
Marcus Rayne: Zeus: Titan Army

Obligatory Signature Images:



NPCs
Ty... hellhound.
Agamemnon: Giant robotic transformer dragon of awesome

I'm one of those big, bad Admin dudes. Fear me. Or you know, pm me with important junk.
avatar
GeneralArin
RP Supervisor/SoldierA

Posts : 2791
Drachmae : 6263
Join date : 2009-05-29
Age : 22
Location : In my own little world....it's okay: they know me there.

Character sheet
Olympian Parent: Hephaestus
Items :

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Jace "snow" Shikami

Post  GeneralArin on Wed Feb 19, 2014 4:28 am

Ah yes. So moving snow, like kinesis. No.

You can't get a job at 12 in the states. It's kinda illegal. Child labor laws and whatnot. In fact, all jobs before 14 are illegal. And between 14 and 16 it's highly restricted. And I don't think anyone would want a 14 year old instructor for a number of reasons. And working 3 jobs while trying to go to school is difficult, and school has to be included because not going is also illegal.


Just drop the swordplay. You aren't convincing me in any way.


The personality goes in circles, still.
The Fatal flaw is virtually unchanged, though your reasoning is a bit of a stretch. You're saying your character has this compulsive need to be completely alone every second of the day. You started it with trust issues. Go back to trust issues. Work with that.



Stop just adding things. All you're doing is making it longer. Take the problem sentences and either remove them or reword them. You're also being redundant in your sentences. As a general rule, if you're repeating the same root word more than once in the same sentence, you need to edit the sentence.

_________________
"Oh.. you're one of *those* guys. You don't care if someone beats the crap out of *you*, but if someone threatens to lay a finger on a family member you totally freak out."

Characters:
Jake Arin: Hephestus: CHB
Marcus Rayne: Zeus: Titan Army

Obligatory Signature Images:



NPCs
Ty... hellhound.
Agamemnon: Giant robotic transformer dragon of awesome

I'm one of those big, bad Admin dudes. Fear me. Or you know, pm me with important junk.
avatar
GeneralArin
RP Supervisor/SoldierA

Posts : 2791
Drachmae : 6263
Join date : 2009-05-29
Age : 22
Location : In my own little world....it's okay: they know me there.

Character sheet
Olympian Parent: Hephaestus
Items :

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Jace "snow" Shikami

Post  Jace on Fri Feb 21, 2014 12:19 am

Edited. Even more(re did some stuff.)
avatar
Jace

Posts : 147
Drachmae : 399
Join date : 2014-02-19
Age : 17

Character sheet
Olympian Parent: Chione
Items :

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Jace "snow" Shikami

Post  Lily on Fri Feb 21, 2014 2:49 am

Okay, a couple things.
First of all, why is your whole history in future tense? Jace is alive, isn't he? try re-wording it to past tense.
Everything in your other section is more of a talent. Try relocating it to that place.
You stated that he's a complete loner. Se he basically has no friends, not even a close one like Sherlock? That'd make camp life hard, especially when you try to roleplay with other campers.
A surfer dude talked his dad into getting your character to camp? I'm not sure about that. Elaborate a little or change it. I don't think there's exactly a taxi that gets you straight to camp, unless is Jace can call the three sisters....and I don't see that happening.
avatar
Lily
RP Supervisor

Posts : 1830
Drachmae : 4742
Join date : 2010-09-04
Age : 16
Location : South Korea

Character sheet
Olympian Parent: Poseidon
Items :

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Jace "snow" Shikami

Post  Jace on Sat Feb 22, 2014 1:27 am

Fixed.
avatar
Jace

Posts : 147
Drachmae : 399
Join date : 2014-02-19
Age : 17

Character sheet
Olympian Parent: Chione
Items :

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Jace "snow" Shikami

Post  Jace on Mon Feb 24, 2014 5:14 pm

Waiting for people to comment.
avatar
Jace

Posts : 147
Drachmae : 399
Join date : 2014-02-19
Age : 17

Character sheet
Olympian Parent: Chione
Items :

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Jace "snow" Shikami

Post  GeneralArin on Mon Feb 24, 2014 5:50 pm

You're a bit old to be a new camper.

While being distant and having extreme social anxiety is a personality flaw... It feels like you're saying that if for some reason your character went on a quest: specifically being with other people for a task, you'd just ditch for no reason at all and get killed. You also shouldn't put about how he's a novice fighter in the flaw, since theoretically, this will get better, but the fatal flaw your character will continue to struggle with. Make the reaction a bit more plausible, and objective. It's good that you're thinking about it more, though.

Just a bit more editing for the flaw, then  I think you're okay.

_________________
"Oh.. you're one of *those* guys. You don't care if someone beats the crap out of *you*, but if someone threatens to lay a finger on a family member you totally freak out."

Characters:
Jake Arin: Hephestus: CHB
Marcus Rayne: Zeus: Titan Army

Obligatory Signature Images:



NPCs
Ty... hellhound.
Agamemnon: Giant robotic transformer dragon of awesome

I'm one of those big, bad Admin dudes. Fear me. Or you know, pm me with important junk.
avatar
GeneralArin
RP Supervisor/SoldierA

Posts : 2791
Drachmae : 6263
Join date : 2009-05-29
Age : 22
Location : In my own little world....it's okay: they know me there.

Character sheet
Olympian Parent: Hephaestus
Items :

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Jace "snow" Shikami

Post  Jace on Mon Feb 24, 2014 5:59 pm

Ok so Jace is a old camper, brought at a older age, so. Plus he hasn't been claimed.

Also I have switched to distrust.
avatar
Jace

Posts : 147
Drachmae : 399
Join date : 2014-02-19
Age : 17

Character sheet
Olympian Parent: Chione
Items :

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Jace "snow" Shikami

Post  GeneralArin on Mon Feb 24, 2014 6:19 pm

"Fatal Flaw: Jace's fatal flaw is his feelings of distrust. He dosnt trust most people, and rarely follows order given to him. He will easily disobey a order than follow though unless, he is told by a close friend, which is even then unlikely. He would rather act alone than work with others. This is caused form his lack of trust in what people say."


....
You write in circles a lot.
Removing the last sentence would help, because its just restating the first.

This is better.
Though, I think "readily" would be better than "easily" in the case of: "will easily disobey a order"


Okay, so the main thing that I have to say, is to reword it. The idea is much better, and the content, but it's written in a very confusing way.

Write it with sentences that hit each of these ideas only once:
1.)He distrusts people.
2.)Why he does so. (Probably because he thinks he's the only reliable person.)
3.)He prefers to work alone.
4.)He readily disobeys orders

Add details as you want, but only say each idea once.

_________________
"Oh.. you're one of *those* guys. You don't care if someone beats the crap out of *you*, but if someone threatens to lay a finger on a family member you totally freak out."

Characters:
Jake Arin: Hephestus: CHB
Marcus Rayne: Zeus: Titan Army

Obligatory Signature Images:



NPCs
Ty... hellhound.
Agamemnon: Giant robotic transformer dragon of awesome

I'm one of those big, bad Admin dudes. Fear me. Or you know, pm me with important junk.
avatar
GeneralArin
RP Supervisor/SoldierA

Posts : 2791
Drachmae : 6263
Join date : 2009-05-29
Age : 22
Location : In my own little world....it's okay: they know me there.

Character sheet
Olympian Parent: Hephaestus
Items :

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Jace "snow" Shikami

Post  Jace on Mon Feb 24, 2014 6:41 pm

I believe I have fixed it.
avatar
Jace

Posts : 147
Drachmae : 399
Join date : 2014-02-19
Age : 17

Character sheet
Olympian Parent: Chione
Items :

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Jace "snow" Shikami

Post  GeneralArin on Mon Feb 24, 2014 6:57 pm

Just take out the last sentence of the fatal flaw, it repeated everything you just stated. The rest is good.

If anything, you could add a *specific* consequence of not listening, but it's clear enough in the second sentence.

Alright, I'm going to say it's fine and push you through.

Another staff member needs to make comments.

_________________
"Oh.. you're one of *those* guys. You don't care if someone beats the crap out of *you*, but if someone threatens to lay a finger on a family member you totally freak out."

Characters:
Jake Arin: Hephestus: CHB
Marcus Rayne: Zeus: Titan Army

Obligatory Signature Images:



NPCs
Ty... hellhound.
Agamemnon: Giant robotic transformer dragon of awesome

I'm one of those big, bad Admin dudes. Fear me. Or you know, pm me with important junk.
avatar
GeneralArin
RP Supervisor/SoldierA

Posts : 2791
Drachmae : 6263
Join date : 2009-05-29
Age : 22
Location : In my own little world....it's okay: they know me there.

Character sheet
Olympian Parent: Hephaestus
Items :

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Jace "snow" Shikami

Post  Cerulaen on Mon Feb 24, 2014 11:51 pm

Aha, my first victim as a--ahem, I mean, what? My first app. Yes.

...

Props for being from North Dakota. They have wild horses there.

Since I discussed all of the everythings about your app with Jake, I don't have much else to say, except some grammatical issues (I am the Empress, Ax) that have bugged me.

1) At the end of the Personality section, you say James. Who is this James? I would assume you mean Jace's? Also, just as a comment, is this girl you mention of importance? If not, fine. If she is, perhaps a little more explanation on her impact on Jace's life.

2) In your weapons, you butcher the word celestial. It's Celestial Bronze. That's just...been bugging me.

I see you've edited 14 times, so you've obviously been sticking it through and really trying to fix everything, so once you've edited that, I'm gonna go ahead and say approved.

...

I said it. Approved. *does a happy Moderator dance*
avatar
Cerulaen
Match Maker

Posts : 1367
Drachmae : 3030
Join date : 2013-06-24
Age : 20
Location : Am I allowed to say Azarath?

Character sheet
Olympian Parent: Aphrodite
Items :

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Jace "snow" Shikami

Post  Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

View previous topic View next topic Back to top

- Similar topics

 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum