JAKE (SON OF HEPHESTUS)

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JAKE (SON OF HEPHESTUS)

Post  Jake van Drakenstire on Sat May 31, 2014 1:46 pm

Heres my application
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Jake van Drakenstire

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Re: JAKE (SON OF HEPHESTUS)

Post  Jake van Drakenstire on Sat May 31, 2014 1:47 pm

NAME: Jake Van Drakenstire
AGE:15
GOD PARENT:Hephestus

MORTAL FAMILY:Adriana van Drakenstire

(YEARS AT CAMP: 1 YEAR

HISTORY: When Jake was three his mum died in a supposed plane crash and was taken to an orphanage in Simi valley California where he lived for a large chunk of his life. one day at the orphanage a five year old Jake strolled through the play ground, after a heated game of soccer with the other boys, looking for a large tree to sit under when he saw a girl siting on her own on the bench crying. instinctively he walked over there sat next to her, studying her first, before he asked her what was wrong she said that the other girls had made fun of her. Jake was sad he hated people being bullied so he grabbed her hand marched over to where the girls were 'hey, could you please stop making fun of my Katie' they laughed and called him names 'why should we?' Jake had no answer but he had to say something 'because she is my friend' Katie seemed to stop crying after that, even though were both being made fun of and for the next eight year they would go on to become the best of friends. It was cool Saturday afternoon at green wood park, across the street from Maloney's orphanage, two teenagers walked around admiring the different plants and trees(Jake and Katie) but without realising they had walked to deep into the park until they stumbled upon a trail of half eaten coke cans and broken plates then they knew that they weren't alone something moved in the bushes behind them Katie grabbed Jakes arm, or was it the other way around? soon a guys head popped out of bushes. he had blonde hair and wore a grey tank top. 'you scared me for a second man' said a relieved Jake ' I'm Jake and this is Katie, what's your name?' Jake was about to be scared again. when the guys completely came out of bushes he had two hairy hooved legs Jake let out a girly scream at which Katie did no hesitate to laugh 'I'm Allen, I'm a satyr' 'a what?' said Jake and Katie together 'a satyr and your a demigod'. they had both learned about demigods in history class but the thought of them actually existing was just the stuff of many jokes but if there could be a guy with goat legs then anything was possible thought Jake ' which one of us?' said Katie the satyr looked at Jake and pointed 'but you have a gift' he said to Katie ' use it wisely' he turned again to Jake ' we must go they are almost here' Jake was stunned 'I'm no t going anywhere!' he grabbed Katie but she di not move 'go' she said with a tear falling down her cheek she kissed Jake on the cheek 'I promise to come back' he said before Katie walked back toward the orphanage. Jake and Alen journeyed to camp half blood together eventually becoming very good friends

PHYSICAL APEARANCE: Jake is 6ft 1nch tall with brown eyes and back hair. He has a fair skin complection. He wears black joggers and a random camp halfblood shirt. He is has an average build

PERSONALITY: Jake is very friendly and easy to talk to but he finds it hard to tolerate people who think they are better than every other person. he is quick to get annoyed but tried to control his temper to the best of his ability

FATAL FLAW:Naiveté. Allen once told Jake that he was to naïve, Jake simply told him that had eaten to many pizza boxes but he knew it was true Jake was always quick to assume people were on his side he believed people would never to to him what he wouldn't do to them this leads to put his trust into people who would eventually betray him.

TALENTS: Although an Average fighter Jake is a gifted Analyst he finds it very easy to read any situation or problem and find an adequate solution to It people think it comes from his ability as a chid of Hephaestus to be able to analyse machines .

WEAPONS: Jake uses a long wooden staff which has celestian bronze spearheads on either side that can generate Electricity

OTHER: Jake has a crush on camper he met during his firstly days although he doesn't know her name because he is to shy to talk to her.


Last edited by Jake van Drakenstire on Sat May 31, 2014 4:21 pm; edited 2 times in total (Reason for editing : I made a mistake)
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Jake van Drakenstire

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Re: JAKE (SON OF HEPHESTUS)

Post  Cerulaen on Sat May 31, 2014 2:28 pm

Okay, let's see...

1) I'm pretty sure we just filled up our quota for Zeus kids, so you'll need to change your godparent. You should go back to Hephaestus, he's cool... And we don't have a whole lot of them.

2) You may not have a mother who is also a demigod, much less also a child of the Big Three. She can see through the Mist or something if you want, but that's the most abilities she is allowed to have. That's basically a legacy, which is Roman--and I kinda doubt we'd allow that in Rome, either...

3) You need to waaay expand on your history. I know pretty much nothing about your character's background. Maybe how his mother fell in love with a god, or what his childhood was like growing up, how did his mom die/how did he get separated from him, what was his school life like, how did he get along with people, etc, etc.

4) Who is this random lady that comes and visits him? And why does she show him to CHB? Also, just as a comment, no 12-year-old boy I know would EVER want to be picked up and carried by anyone... and why did it take him two years to reach CHB? Where does he even live?

5) Personality: it needs to be much more fleshed out. What do you mean your character is "intolerant"? Intolerant of what? Do you mean intolerable? And if so, why is he intolerable? What does he do to annoy people? And IF he annoys people, it doesn't make sense for people to be "naturally attracted" to him. Speaking of which, I'm shooting that down--a bunch of people lately want people to have some form of charmspeak when they're not related to Aphrodite at all, and I don't get why. My OC's a child of Aphrodite, go get your own powers.

6) It's spelled 'naivete', by the way--it's French. xP Naivete is fine as a Fatal Flaw, but the whole explanation of it needs to be more fleshed out, as well. Your FF is supposed to correlate to your personality, and I see nothing of that. Basically, it's his most prominent personality trait--the thing that guides the majority of his decisions. Speaking of which, is there a reason he's so naive? Does it have something to do with his past? I suppose you explain how it could kill your character.

7) No, you can't have any form of charmspeak, no, you can't have water powers, since I'm shooting down his mother being a demigod...is there a reason he doesn't have any abilities from his own god parent?

8) The staff seems a bit impractical to me, but you know, whatever you want...the electricity thing may or may not have to change since his god parent needs to.

9) Heh. Too bad Ri (my own OC) hasn't been at camp longer, else it would be hilarious if he had a crush on her. xP
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Cerulaen
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