Matthew Dils, Son of Apollo

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Matthew Dils, Son of Apollo

Post  Picklesdds on Sat Jun 21, 2014 10:28 am

(I'm just going to make a whole new character, sort of like me in real life.)

Name: Matthew Dils (Matt or M. for nicknames)

Age: 13

God Parent: Apollo

Mortal Family: Jami Dils:Mom, Andrew Dils: Dad, Nate Chaney:Stepbrother, Aaron Chaney:Stepbrother.

Years in Camp: 1 Year

History: Matt lived in a small town called Hamburg until he was Eleven. Strange things happened, like how he got backstage at a concert and the stereo and speakers just blew up. Matt was a freak, diagnosed with ADHD and Dyslexia. His only true friends were his family, who were always pushing him to do stuff instead of sitting around. He loved his mom to death, and she loved him back. His stepbrothers Aaron and Nate wold always make him go outside and play soccer or something. His dad... always kicked him out of the house, and told him to go make friends. He moved to New York city when he was nearing his twelfth  birthday. His relatives and Step-Brothers showed up, too. When he turned twelve, Matt went out for a quick walk to clear his head.. But then, that... thing showed up. A dracnae looking to kill him. Matt saw her, but he thought he was a snake. His mom came with a car and ran her over.It didn't kill the monster (although that would be extremely convenient) She yelled at him to get in, and they drove all the way to the camp. Tiffany, his dog, was in the car and and sat on his lap. they arrived at half blood hill, and got to the gate. She told Matt that she would come back for him later, and pushed him into the barrier. He was met by a few different campers. Matt chose a bow and some knives as his weapons. He did some training, and he seemed pretty good with his bow. One day, during capture the flag, he was claimed by Apollo after the game was over. He was moved into the Apollo cabin, and he got used to the bright, vibrant, colors (he's not exactly Mr. sunshine and unicorns) He saw 3 kids going out of camp. After the year, he took his gear and drove with his mom to our apartment. He went back next year.

Physical Appearance: Matt's pretty tall, around 5 foot 9. He also has curly brown hair, that he can never style. His eyes shine a nice blue color. Matt's also pretty muscular to.

Personality:Matt is lazy, and really does things in halves. the reason for this is he would much rather work on music and songs. He may give a groan, question why he has to do the stuff he's asked, etc. He also tends to not listen to others sometimes because he's "In the moment" quote on quote. He also likes to question athourity, and usually his big mouth gets him in trouble. He is also bead tempered to people he doesn't like, and is NOT Mr. sunshine and unicorns. However, when someone's life is on the line. He will do everything, and I mean everything, to save that persons life. This more serious side of Matt occurs when he is entrusted with an important item, or something that is special to one of his friends.

Fatal Flaw: Matt's fatal flaw is his downright laziness. He might do something, but nine times out of ten he doesn't do jack. Sure, he can win fights, but he doesn't want to do fighting and would more focus on his music.

Talents: He's awesome at archery, and healing. Matt's also good at using knives and throwing knives. Matt's also a good sweet talker, but his friends like to drag him away from girls.

Weapons: His bow glows gold, and has a insignia of a graffitied sun on it. His quiver can hold up to 20 arrows,and the arrows are magic, so they always come back to the quiver after about 9-10 minutes, give or take a few, unless they're destroyed. He also carries two knives, which have a hook design, allowing him to disarm enemies, and climb ledges. Matt also carries mortal healing supplies on him.

Other: He Looooooovvvveessss pie, and stuff. He can rock out on an electric guitar, and know's almost every song imaginable. He also carries  his iPod on him. His dog, Tiffany, stays in the cabin when he's out on quests. He also makes incredibly bad jokes which WILL make you groan.


Last edited by Picklesdds on Tue Dec 23, 2014 9:31 pm; edited 16 times in total (Reason for editing : Fixing problems, contradicments.)

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Re: Matthew Dils, Son of Apollo

Post  GeneralArin on Sat Jun 21, 2014 3:21 pm

Okay, first off: Please write this in third person. We try and keep it all third person so the posts read as one story, and you can easily tell what character is doing what. 

Alright, so let's take this in parts:

The History: Alright, so Hellhounds aren't the size of normal dogs. Not even a normal mastiff. They're on average around the size of a rhino, and pretty fast and massive to boot. Hitting one with your car, yet alone five, would be very difficult and would probably wreck your car pretty fast. And there's no way you can hit five unless they lined up perfectly and waited for you to hit each of them. And you'd need a pretty massive car to damage every one of them. 

How can you affect the weather? That's not in Apollo's skill sets. Sorry. Choose any of the other billion abilities. 
And then you apparently see three campers on a quest. How did you know they were on a quest? What does this have to do with your character at all?

You also mentioned a ton of other people in your family. Mention them and your normal homelife before demigod-dom. 


Personality: Your character seems to be a mass of contradictions. Kind, but brutal. Perhaps rephrase things, like maybe having a strong sense of justice? Where you help those in need, shut down those doing wrong, etc? And "choosing your words carefully", and being "garbage at talking to people" (because of stuttering?) are either massive contradictions, or irrelevant with each other.  Are you bad at talking solely because you stutter? Or are you bad at talking with people because you say rude things? Or something else? And why do you stutter? Are you shy or bold around people? Are your friendly or aloof? How do you react to different situations? 

Fatal Flaw: You're going to have to explain why this is a bad thing. 

Talents: Why can you use a gun? (Especially considering your character hasn't used a gun, and doesn't carry a gun. ...no you cannot have a gun.) On that note, how are you good at swordplay when you don't use a sword. And when you say "good at healing", do you mean basic first aid or something more?

Weapon:
Okay. First-- why does your bow have a blade on it? Where would it even attach? And why do you need it when you have arrows that come back? And knives. 
Speaking of the arrows-- how long does it take for them to come back? And drop down the amount, because I doubt you can actually carry that many. (And why do you need so many if they always come back?) 
Ambrosia and nectar are redundant, since it's standard for traveling demigods to carry, but you can keep the first-aid kit.

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"Oh.. you're one of *those* guys. You don't care if someone beats the crap out of *you*, but if someone threatens to lay a finger on a family member you totally freak out."

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Sorry.... Overboard.

Post  Picklesdds on Sat Jun 21, 2014 6:18 pm

Sorry, I saw others post's and I'm like, oh shoot. I'll try and make a better monster encounter for my history. Sorry. I get so involved in writing stuff. I'll see what I can do about my abilities and the quest kids. I'll work on my personality too. My fatal flaw is that I want to help anything I see that is hurt, even a monster in disguise. As for my talents, using a gun, um, like I said before I can go overboard with writing stuff. My bow has a blade in case a monster gets up close to me. The blade would attach to the top of the bow, so when it's strung onto my back, the blade is facing down. The arrows come back after a battle and I'll readjust the arrow count.

All in all, really sorry, Apollo was my favorite god in percy jackson, but I never did any research. Can I edit my post or something? Get back to me on this. Please and thank you.

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Re: Matthew Dils, Son of Apollo

Post  GeneralArin on Sat Jun 21, 2014 11:29 pm

Yeah, of course. No worries, it happens-- there's a button on the bottom right hand corner of your post. It should say "EDIT". Just click on that, fix it up, and let me know when you're done. 

Apollo is really just an all-star with a lot of athletic and musical ability, (and medicine.) which is why I'm a bit strict with adding new powers.

_________________
"Oh.. you're one of *those* guys. You don't care if someone beats the crap out of *you*, but if someone threatens to lay a finger on a family member you totally freak out."

Characters:
Jake Arin: Hephestus: CHB
Marcus Rayne: Zeus: Titan Army

Obligatory Signature Images:



NPCs
Ty... hellhound.
Agamemnon: Giant robotic transformer dragon of awesome

I'm one of those big, bad Admin dudes. Fear me. Or you know, pm me with important junk.
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Re: Matthew Dils, Son of Apollo

Post  Cerulaen on Sun Jun 22, 2014 2:39 am

Okay, kid, your app's got a lot of potential, but I don't think you're understanding some things:

History: His parents giving him a bike and video games are completely irrelevant to his character. When you mention people in an app, tell us how that person had an effect on your character's life--how did they help develop him? You mention that random friend, for instance, who seems to have absolutely no purpose. If you want to mention him, give him a purpose. Same with his brothers and stepdad. You don't have to go huge and elaborate, but give us a little detail on his relationship with these people--including his mother.

Personality: It just got shorter. I know Jake wanted you to take out the contradictory stuff, but you still need to expound more on how your character acts around people. "Kind" tells me next to nothing. Is there a reason he's so "kind"? How does he interact with people on a regular basis? How does being kind/nice/whatever affect his decisions with things? I'd seriously like to know what else he is besides "kind"--real people are much more complex than that. Is he still all sunshine and rainbows when he's under pressure? Does he get mad or irritated ever? Are there specific things that make him mad or irritated? The personality can connect a lot with the history--how his childhood and life so far have shaped him to be who he is. Try to integrate that in there.

FF: Again, if he's so kind and caring for people, I want to see a reason for it in history.

Talents/Weapons: You're an Apollo kid with knives, I really don't see the use for a sword. Plus, because of his lineage, he really can't be "naturally" good at swordsplay--it would take a heck of a lot of practice. Really, just take the sword out--you have enough weapons. I'm fine with the knives, and I'm not necessarily going to shoot down the bladed-bow thing...but it's completely impractical. For it to be usable, you would have to unstring the bow and use it as a spear-type thing, which would take too much time to be convenient in a battle. Plus, I don't see a problem with his arrows appearing after several minutes, or 10 minutes or something, after he shoots them, since battles can rage on for a whole day, or even multiple days--it would kinda suck if your arrows only came back after the battle was officially over. We wouldn't consider it OP or anything. xP

I'm...gonna shoot down the Pegasus. Pegasi are not "owned" anyway, they pretty much just choose to like certain people, and you have a dog anyway--be happy with that pet. Please don't just go adding magical pets to your array.

I don't mean to discourage you with any of this, because you really do seem like a pretty good writer--we've just heightened our expectations for apps over the course of this site. I hope you'll stick to it and keep editing!

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Ok sorry.

Post  Picklesdds on Sun Jun 22, 2014 9:30 am

Sorry I will fix it again.

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Re: Matthew Dils, Son of Apollo

Post  Cerulaen on Thu Jun 26, 2014 10:12 am

Okay, I should finally look at this again...sorry about the wait, I've been busy.

In any case, I think you're slightly missing the point of what I'm asking--you added like, two sentences because of my critique. And I still know next to nothing about your character. I had a bunch of questions for you in my critique to let us know more about your character, and I don't think you really answered any of them, except for the flimsy "his parents always told him to be kind"...why was kindness so important to them? How about you take two questions each from the ones I gave your for History and Personality and answer them, and then hopefully we'll get to understand your character a bit more.

However, after looking over it again, your fatal flaw contradicts a bit with something in your personality--you say your character is too kind and would help even monsters, etc., anything in pain--and yet you say that your character can also be super brutal on the battle field. This doesn't really match up. You can't just make exceptions like that; the point of the fatal flaw is that it's basically the personality trait that drives every action of your character, the thing that makes them who they are--think about that.

I'm really just trying to get to know your character here. At the moment, he just seems like your average Joe.
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Re: Matthew Dils, Son of Apollo

Post  Picklesdds on Mon Sep 15, 2014 3:23 pm

Sorry about not replying I had a lot of stuff going on. I will fix it again.

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Re: Matthew Dils, Son of Apollo

Post  Picklesdds on Mon Dec 08, 2014 6:09 pm

Just fixed it

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Re: Matthew Dils, Son of Apollo

Post  Cerulaen on Mon Dec 15, 2014 10:48 pm

Well, I don’t really remember what your last app was like, but this one looks pretty decent. Not sure why no one has gotten to it yet… *stares at the rest of staff* So, my main critiques:

History: I’d mainly like to know what he did for that year at camp. Also, I’m not sure running over a dracaena with a car would kill it…but I could be wrong. Oh, also, what was with the blowing out stereo thing?

Personality: I totally have this problem, but with writing. xD But anyway, it seems most of his personality is just explaining his laziness. I’d like to see more of his other traits, as well as how he reacts to different situations and interacts with other people and such.

Weapons: I remember the thing with the whole bow-blade thing… I just don’t really understand how he can “run out of arrows” if they’re charmed to come back to him? Especially since he also has two back-up knives. Seriously, the blade on the bow just seems rather pointless.

Other than that, I think it looks good.
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