Zapphire Evens

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Zapphire Evens

Post  tht1bttrfly on Mon Feb 16, 2015 7:56 pm

Name: Zapphire Evens

Age: 14

God Parent: Apollo

Mortal Family: Jane Evens- Mother (deceased), Paul Evens- Step-father (deceased), Jonathan Evens- Brother (unknown), Grandmother- Unknown, Grandfather- Unknown

Years in Camp: Half a year

History: Lived in Minnesota most of her life. Her mother worked at the local hospital. When Zapphire was eight her mother "remarried" after saying that Zapphire's father had left and requested a divorce. When Zapphire was ten her family moved to New York City. After three and a half uneventful years Zapphire came home from the movies to find her mother being killed by an Empusa. Her father already lay dead on the ground. Her brother was nowhere in sight. After seeing this Zapphire ran. She ran until she couldn't run anymore. She then collapsed. When she woke up, she saw she was in a strange bed. She then walked out of the room and discovered that she had just past the border of Camp Half-blood. She was then given a tour of the camp. After half a year Apollo finally claimed her on her birthday. He gave her a magic quiver and a new bow.

Physical Appearance: Average height, yet lanky. Long brown hair and nearly golden eyes. Has a scar above her right eye from falling off of her bunk bed. Also has a scar on her left calf from an archery accident.

Personality: Zapphire has the kind of personality that everyone loves. People are always willing to talk to her. Zapphire is also kind and caring. One of her biggest pet peeves is when others try to get her to be someone she isn't. It also irks her that there are people who have the knowledge and capabilities to help themselves, yet they don't. Extremely afraid of being left alone and having no one to be with.

Fatal Flaw: Zapphire's Fatal Flaw is kindness. She would do everything in her power to help a person. Even if that means giving her life

Talents: Extremely talented at archery, was training to go to the Olympics. Skilled at medicines. Can name compounds by taste, look, or smell.

Weapons: A bow and quiver her father gave her for her 14th birthday. The quiver has the capabilities of changing what the arrow does after being fired. Also carries a knife from the camp's armory
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tht1bttrfly

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Re: Zapphire Evens

Post  Lily on Tue Feb 17, 2015 5:55 am

Hey, welcome to the site!
So, couple things to fix before we can approved you:

History-Gods don't marry mortals. It's more like a temporary fling gone wrong--with only a kid left as a reminder of the relationship.
You told us that Zappire simply ran the whole way to camp. So she didn't trip once, and the empousa didn't catch up to her even once? I don't find that very realistic, even if you're an Olympic runner. Also, gods don't take that long to claim you. At least, not anymore. It'd probably take a few days at the very, very most.

Physical Appearence-more. I want to know more about how she looks. Explain more about her features. Does she wear makeup? Any jewelry? Favorite outfit?

Personality-Everyone loves her? Why is she so attractive to others? What makes her likeable? Give us some examples. I honestly think her pet pheeve, is better off in the fatal flaw section, since it's more detailed. If you want to keep your fatal flaw, then please elaborate.

...Yeah, sorry if that seems too daunting. Tell us when you're finished!
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Re: Fixes

Post  tht1bttrfly on Tue Feb 17, 2015 12:18 pm

Thank you for the feedback, I will fix everything I can as soon as I can. I was wondering, you guys have mentioned that magical weapons have to be approved. My character received a magic quiver from her father that can change what the arrow does after being launched. Is this allowed? If not I can also changed that. Thank you for such a quick reply!
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Re: Fixes

Post  tht1bttrfly on Tue Feb 17, 2015 5:31 pm

I have now attempted to fix everything you said
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Re: Zapphire Evens

Post  Lily on Wed Feb 18, 2015 1:56 am

I'm sorry, but I don't really see much improvement. You barely fixed anything. Adding a sentence or two is okay, but I'm asking you to fix points that are incorrect as well. Please refer to my previous post again.

Also, I'm a little dubious about that bow. I think arrows with abilities that were already chosen is fine, but I don't think a demigod could just own a weapon that could change its abilities every time you use it. You might want to look that over.
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