Max west try's again

View previous topic View next topic Go down

Max west try's again

Post  Paige hewes on Sun Nov 22, 2015 11:39 pm

Name: Max west
Age:13
God: Zeus
Mortal family: Jessica west (dead) and Anna fisher ( aunt )
Year at camp : 1 ( yeah I'm a newbie )


History : Max was born in 2003. Born and raised in New York . One day Jessica sat in a middle of a field watching .A handsome man came with a lighting neckless. After having an affair he was killed . Jessica and max lived all over from monsters . She never thought about being a half blood. When she was 11 years old her mom died of breast cancer . Max west had to go live with her aunt Anna which her mom barely spoke of . Aunt Anna drank at the bar every night . She would beat max every night . Aunt Anna one time punished max by burning her face half. Max ran away at 12 years old . Monsters attacked making max run , hide and climb . One day she was running from a Cyclopes and ran into camp . Max stays at camp all year afraid to go to her aunts .

Personally: Max is sassy . No trusting since her mom died . Max reflexes are too good. Max is a warrior ready to fight for anyone . Max is brave and not afraid of anything . Max does not have any love for anyone exept her died mom. Max is not emotional .

Physical: Max midnight black hair flows down her back. Max lightning blue eyes see everything. Max body is a normal teen girl body exept her scar covering half of her face . Max always were a black hoody covering the burnt half of her face .

Flawes: Max has one flaw . And that is love . Max needs no love.
Talents : max is good at climming , flying and skateboarding when free time .
We ponds: Dagger and lightning
Others: Max eats anything . Max loves heights .

Paige hewes

Posts : 22
Drachmae : 48
Join date : 2015-11-19

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Max west try's again

Post  Axel The Bunny on Mon Nov 23, 2015 1:52 am

Alright this is finally something I can actually give a critique for. First off the grammar and spelling mistakes are rather terrible in here. While normally I am not one to care too much about this as long as it is legible, this time im going to ask you to at least fix most of the miswording and spelling errors. Two things make me feel this requires revising and editing because of this. One, it is difficult to interpret, and two is this is a big three app, and so I get to be as nitpicky as my mood allows. A few typos and the like are to be expected, and I myself do not have perfect grammar. here however it looks clunky and confusing because the wording of many of the sentences. When I have to strain my brain mentally correcting your writing to be legible then you need to do some editing. Proofreading is your friend.

Now onto critiquing the content. First off the "He was killed" part confused me for a bit before since Zeus is a god and cannot die, do you mean she thought he was killed? did Zeus fake his death? because a One night stand does not guarentee marriage and so there is no real reason they'd continue being in contact if it was just a fling. Another thing though this is a personal issue, and is optional to fix because there are cases it is true. NOT ALL ALCOHOLICS ARE ABUSIVE. It is a generalization and frankly there is no reason somebody can't be abusive solely because reasons like maybe they were saddled with this responsibility for no reason and so use the abuse as an outlet for such frustrations, but im gonna end this rant because it isn't too important right now.

Also considering the severe scarring which is permanent this degree of burning would require medical attention. Medical attention that would then bring this case to the attention of social services and even if somehow the aunt got away with not getting medical attention, the damage is in a difficult to hide location and is severe enough people will notice it. Social services WOULD get involved here. The reason child abusers can get away with what they do is that they try to avoid serious injury like this, and when they do cause damage that requires medical attention it is something that can easily be explained away. Such as a broken arm or the like. Severe burning enough to "burn off half her face" is not easily explained away. A child would not hold their face to a stove on their own for long enough to do this level of damage, so there is no way of avoiding legal repercussions.


The personality is not really telling me anything about who your character is as a person. Reflexes are not part of personality, and also the simple fact is TOO good makes me think they react preemptively, and thus ineffectively. What do you mean by TOO good? Also I do not know what "Max does not have any love for anyone exept her died mom. " means, do they hate everyone? are they apathetic to others? Do they not have any interest in forming bonds or connections to others? this does not make sense. What does "Not emotional" mean? Everyone feels emotions, it is a natural and necessary part of the human mind. Perhaps masking their emotions or the like, trying to put a front of emotional strength up instead? Personality also needs to be fleshed out more, I gave you examples of other apps to use as reference, I recommend looking them over.

By "sees everything" do you mean they notice everything? because I am vetoing that, nobody is that observant.

I do not see how "Not needing love" is a fatal flaw, or even really a flaw at all. Some people are just naturally loners, it is unfortunately a majority of characters I see. So "not needing love" doesn't work for this category. If i can recommend something based off your personality you mention not fearing anything...so would that not make them impulsive or careless? jumping into situations without worrying about the repercussions of their actions? that would work as a fatal flaw and ties into actual personality trait, but it is merely a suggestion for what you could do.


Those are some of the more obvious issues, gods this is a long critique but I felt it only right to explain many of my decisions and the like. We try to keep things realistic on this site.


avatar
Axel The Bunny

Posts : 613
Drachmae : 1196
Join date : 2013-10-14
Age : 21
Location : Causing needless destruction

Character sheet
Olympian Parent: Axel-Hermes. NIx: Hephaestus
Items :

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Max west try's again

Post  Paige hewes on Mon Nov 23, 2015 12:03 pm

So will it do sir . This is real in my life

Paige hewes

Posts : 22
Drachmae : 48
Join date : 2015-11-19

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Max west try's again

Post  Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

View previous topic View next topic Back to top

- Similar topics

 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum