Whitney's Application: I know it's not great, but to know what else to add would be great.

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Whitney's Application: I know it's not great, but to know what else to add would be great.

Post  whitneyahn on Fri Mar 30, 2012 9:15 pm

Name: Whitney Ahn
Age: 12
God Parent: Eros
Mortal Family: Unknown
Years in Camp: 1 mth.
Brief History: Whitney was found on the streets of Portland as a baby. He was brought to a church-run adoption center. The church's minster was, however, a monster. At age 9, the monster attacked. It nearly killed him, but a fire started, after a serial arsonist set a fire, and killed the monster, and Whitney received medical attention. He still has a scar. The center was rebuilt.
He ran away from the center after severe bullying, due to his public declaration of his atheism. He was 11 at the time. He then joined a runaway facility, and remained there for a year, when a saytar came to get him to camp half-blood. Since his claiming, he has yet to truly accept that he is the son of the love god.
Physical Appearance: Whit has brown hair. He is mixed race, Native American/white. He has two different colored eyes, green and blue. He is medium height, and other than his eyes, has a normal appearance. He always wears jeans and a T-shirt.
Personality: Very shy, so he dosen't talk to people very much. He to spend his time drawing in his notebook, or reading. Smart, and cunning. He hates to be stereotypical, so he spends a lot of time trying to be as much of an opposite of the rest of Eros' kids.
Fatal Flaw: Never trusts anyone, so no one really knows him, so no one trusts him.
Talents: Drawing, Writing, Chess
Weapons: Dagger
Other:


Last edited by whitneyahn on Wed Apr 04, 2012 1:06 am; edited 4 times in total
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Re: Whitney's Application: I know it's not great, but to know what else to add would be great.

Post  Kristina on Tue Apr 03, 2012 8:00 pm

First off, a more detailed bio. put the age of the character not the birthday. and you have to be claimed when you arrive at the camp unless you plan on your first posts having to involve your claiming. And Pontus can not be your parent... he is a pre-Olympian sea-god... so I am gonna have to deny that.

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Re: Whitney's Application: I know it's not great, but to know what else to add would be great.

Post  GeneralArin on Tue Apr 03, 2012 8:16 pm

More constructive critisism: "Cunning and Intellegent" are not talents, more personallity traits. Talents are just things your character is good at. Perhaps chess would be good for a cunning and intellegent person, or you can put something random like paintball, or they aren't good at anything in particular. (Though that's a bit of a cop-out answer) I see your character likes drawing, you can put that in that category.

Please try and go into more detail on most of the categories. For the fatal flaw, add how this affects your character.

For personallity, try and flesh out your character. Perhaps move the "cunning and intellegent" under there, as well as find other character traits.


TLDR: Fix talents. Add details.

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Re: Whitney's Application: I know it's not great, but to know what else to add would be great.

Post  Kristina on Tue Apr 03, 2012 11:47 pm

When I said a more detailed bio, I meant a more DETAILED bio. Yours is vague, there needs to be more...

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Re: Whitney's Application: I know it's not great, but to know what else to add would be great.

Post  whitneyahn on Wed Apr 04, 2012 1:08 am

More?????
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Re: Whitney's Application: I know it's not great, but to know what else to add would be great.

Post  Kristina on Wed Apr 04, 2012 7:37 am

yes more...

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Re: Whitney's Application: I know it's not great, but to know what else to add would be great.

Post  Kristina on Wed Apr 04, 2012 8:22 pm

Elaborate on the runaway facility please. And please post when you finish a revision it's tiresome having to check the post itself to see if you revised it

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Re: Whitney's Application: I know it's not great, but to know what else to add would be great.

Post  whitneyahn on Thu Apr 05, 2012 12:13 am

Name: Whitney Ahn
Age: 12
God Parent: Eros
Mortal Family: Unknown
Years in Camp: 1 mth.
Brief History: Whitney was found on the streets of Portland as a baby. He was brought to a church-run adoption center. The church's minster was, however, a monster. At age 9, the monster attacked. It nearly killed him, but a fire started, after a serial arsonist set a fire, and killed the monster, and Whitney received medical attention. He still has a scar. The center was rebuilt.
The center was full of people who had severe mental issues, or at least that's what he thought, and he never really paid attention to anything in it other than the food was bad, and the whole place was overly religious, and had a terrible school.
He ran away from the center after severe bullying, due to his public declaration of his atheism. He was 11 at the time. He then joined a runaway facility, and remained there for a year, when a saytar came to get him to camp half-blood. The center was a great place and the only bad thing that ever happened there is that someone broke their arm in a skateboard accident.
Since his claiming, he has yet to truly accept that he is the son of the love god.
Physical Appearance: Whit has brown hair. He is mixed race, Native American/white. He has two different colored eyes, green and blue. He is medium height, and other than his eyes, has a normal appearance. He always wears jeans and a T-shirt.
Personality: Very shy, so he dosen't talk to people very much. He to spend his time drawing in his notebook, or reading. Smart, and cunning. He hates to be stereotypical, so he spends a lot of time trying to be as much of an opposite of the rest of Eros' kids.
Fatal Flaw: Never trusts anyone, so no one really knows him, so no one trusts him.
Talents: Drawing, Writing, Chess
Weapons: Dagger
Other:


Question: As a child of one the best Olympian archers, how would I compare to Apollo's kids?
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Re: Whitney's Application: I know it's not great, but to know what else to add would be great.

Post  GeneralArin on Thu Apr 05, 2012 4:59 pm

I think it looks pretty good. I'm not sure about your question, though. At either rate, wait for another Admin to give their two cents.

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Re: Whitney's Application: I know it's not great, but to know what else to add would be great.

Post  Kristina on Thu Apr 05, 2012 5:09 pm

Apollo kids would be better.

And I guess it's good now. Accepted

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Re: Whitney's Application: I know it's not great, but to know what else to add would be great.

Post  whitneyahn on Thu Apr 05, 2012 7:04 pm

Thanks.
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